


Come Back for Me

by idratherhaveyoucursedornot



Series: Moments in Between [3]
Category: Purple Hyacinth - Ephemerys & Sophism (Webcomic)
Genre: Abduction, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Chaotic Siblings Kyki, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Guilt ridden Kieran, Hurt/Comfort, KieranxAngst, Kym is the smartest person in any room tbh, Kym is the smartest person in the room, Lauren is missing, Simp Kieran White, Simp! Kieran Agenda, and my most used tag lol, i wasn't gonna post it initially, kinda dark and scary idk, tantalizing guilt, trigger warning, unnerving regret
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:49:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28150425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idratherhaveyoucursedornot/pseuds/idratherhaveyoucursedornot
Summary: The one afterBleak BluffORThe one where the author’s note at the end ofBleak Bluffturns out to be trueORThe one whereLauren is gone for a weekOR‘What do you mean she never came back home?’Characters and vision belonging toSophismandEphemerys. Castles from theiroriginal workmade into air by yours truly.
Relationships: Kieran White & Kym Ladell, Lauren Sinclair & Kieran White
Series: Moments in Between [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2054388
Comments: 6
Kudos: 85





	1. Sleepless nights in burning sheets

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: abduction, anxiety, guilt, regret, etc. In case you read and end up getting traumatized, come shout at me on Instagram [@hugsforkiki](https://www.instagram.com/hugsforkiki/). It’s okay. 
> 
> ***Super slow updates.

_‘What do you mean she never came back home?’_

A pit made home deep down in Kieran’s gut, heart losing a beat, in lieu of the silence around him. Lauren never got back home? But she wasn’t there at the circus. She did leave. Didn’t she? What happened to her? Belladona couldn’t have known.

It hadn’t taken too long for Sake’s body to be discovered, and when it was, as fate would dictate, no other than Hawkes and Ladell were leading the crime scene. His little _talk_ with Bella had taken more time than he would like, and so Kieran was right there, stranded inside the circus. A wolf in sheep’s clothing, cops all around, but no one seemed to spare him a second glance. It was the charm of the secret. The bliss of ignorance, he supposed. The most dreaded criminal known to Ardhalis had walked into their precinct, stood beside them, shoulder to shoulder, wading through their crime scene and _none_ of the officers that passed by him had any idea at all.

Thankfully, he could at least provide an alibi for Lauren.

As he reiterated to the bubbly Sergeant, now turned sombre around the travesty that had occurred, he maintained how they both had a slight disagreement and he walked out of the show. Lauren followed after him, and they decided to call it a day when they found themselves at an impasse. Lauren left to go home, denying his offer to walk her home. For his alibi, he pretended to have stayed back to cool his mind instead.

It worked. It _almost_ worked, except that Lauren never came back home. That is what Ladell was telling him at the moment, having come back from Sinclair Manor upon Hermann’s orders. In spite of Kieran’s testimony, with folded hands Captain Hermann was waiting to pin the blame on Lauren. He was likely theorizing that she was a mole and had disappeared into the wind after killing Sake. Kieran could hardly pay attention to Hermann’s words and disapproving glances at him over the pounding of his own heart. Lauren was _missing_.

Senses lost in the memories of the night, he stumbled back. He knows for a _fact_ that Bella hadn’t gone after her, and surely, no other member of the Scythe would have gone after her either. But that wasn’t the case. Lauren _was_ missing. What happened to her? Could it be she had gone to the cave instead, or maybe even his apartment? It _would_ be better for her the farther she was from the crime scene. Reassuring Kieran, Kym waved him off, asking him to ignore Hermann and go home. They’ll find Lauren, she had said. They will, he had answered back. He will. _He_ had to. He _had_ to find Lauren right away, and so he ran back to the cave, eyes flitting to every shadow, every corner, every turn, and every single movement on his way.

The light of the moon dwindled as dawn came, unlike Kieran’s apprehensions. He couldn’t find Lauren. Putting up the front of his archivist persona, he walked into the precinct wondering how he could claim and possibly rationalize his claim that Lauren was indeed in graver trouble.

‘I will do everything in my power, and all of you, as well, must follow through to bring the true culprit to justice,’ Hermann announced to the room. The officers nodded to the man when the briefing ended, Lauren’s disappearance completely unaddressed. Though, a seemingly brutal murder, that could easily be justified if Sake’s connections to the Scythe were exposed, it had shaken up the entire circus, and so, Viscount Redcliff wouldn’t let the matter slide, at all. Hermann for all his doubts, was after all, a sane man, and it was only the lack of evidence that stopped him from barging down to Sinclair Manor and threatening Tristan with Lauren’s dismissal from the force.

Walking out of the meeting room, Kieran slowed at the door to the patrol unit’s office, eyes fixed through the glass, on Lauren’s empty table. He _should’ve_ made sure she was safe. He _should’ve_ made sure that she got back home. What the hell could have happened to her? He rubbed his head, feeling a headache come one. Exactly how many people were after this one mad woman?

Then again, following Bella was also just as important. At least, it had worked to get the target off of her. Not many of the Scythe members or assassins could hold a candle to Lauren Sinclair. She was skilled enough, and in the fights where she wasn’t, she had the wit to outmanoeuvre her opponent. Belladona, the snake, however, was a completely different story. Trained as viciously as him, Belladona would easily overwhelm Lauren, and unlike him, she wouldn’t hesitate. She never did. The image of Lauren’s bloodied neck was enough for him, for whatever was left of his conscience. He did not need to see her choking on her own blood, lost without a single chance of saving. But what use was it when Lauren was missing?

‘We’ll find her,’ Ladell spoke beside him, startling him.

Taking in her dimmed face, he smiled at her, consoling, ‘We will.’

He took a deep breath. Neither Ladell nor Hawkes had rested easy throughout the night, if their faces were anything to go by. Hawkes walked over to them, and if one paid attention, as Kieran always did, they could easily recognize his sluggish movements as he made his way across the hallway. He waved at Kieran in greeting.

Replying to the Lieutenant in kind, Kieran asked the pair, ‘What have you thought of so far? How can I help?’

Hawkes laid a comforting hand on his shoulder, ‘We _all_ are worried for Lauren, but let’s hope for the best-case scenario, right?’

Ladell added, ‘Which is that she just needed to be alone and is completely fine.’

Her words may have been nonchalant in their flavour, but paired with her dull eyes, Kieran could taste the disbelief in them. Kieran couldn’t help but be worried. To the rest of them, Lauren wasn’t in any danger, but he _knew_ , and oh! What a _burden_ knowledge was! He knew that if she hasn’t been home and she didn’t come to make plans with him or even show up for her job, then, she _must_ be in more trouble than she could handle.

Not for the first time since last night’s events, the thought of being honest with Hawkes and Ladell crossed his mind. They could surely be of help if they knew what had happened. For all he knew, Lauren might be fighting for her life. He _almost_ did say that. _Almost_. The last thing Lauren would want, no matter even if she was fighting for her life, would be to drag the ones she loves into the mess that _they_ were entangled in. Biting his cheek, letting the thought die down, he agreed with the Sergeant half-heartedly. Putting up a front, he smiled at them both. ‘Yes, she’ll be back, it’s just that’, he paused, letting slip honesty even when the one that deserved it the most from him wasn’t around to hear it, ‘I shouldn’t have let her go. I should’ve been there beside her.’

Hawkes stared at him, pity moving him to tell Kieran how he shouldn’t worry, and the reality of the situation holding him back from telling such a sweet lie. Kieran looked up just in time to see Ladell avoid his gaze, smile lost to the wind and face stone-cold. It was nothing that he had ever seen before on the Sergeant’s face. Will broke the silence, ‘She’ll be back, and then you can tell her this yourself.’ Nodding, Kieran made up an excuse and walked away.

It would have been too conspicuous if he were to have taken the day off, and so, he waited for his shift to end so that he could go around looking for Lauren. She wasn’t at her house, that much was certain. As the hours passed by, he looked at a splurge of places that could serve as a refuge for her, and coming up empty one after the other, after the other, he finally went back to the circus.

The circus was sealed off for the time being. Ducking under the tape enclosing the circus as out of bounds, memories from last night clashed with the moment he was in, the present. Joyful screams and the sounds of life dying down into an eery silence. The whispers of the winter chill were cold, biting, and lacking, reminding him of all of yesterday as he walked to the artists’ tent. Retracing his steps, he found himself at the crime scene. Sake’s murder. That’s where he last saw Lauren, and surprisingly, there wasn’t a single soul around. Torch in hand, he went to the back of the caravan, where they both had hid yesterday.

Crouching down as he had last night, he went over every single detail in his mind. Sake had been meaning to get rid of Lauren and he had said as much to Belladona. Maybe he had already put his plans in motion? He shook the thought off. Belladona would have said something after he had told her that the cop was useful in his infiltration. She wouldn’t have played him. She knew that the leader gave him his mission. What else could have possibly gone wrong? He peered over from the side of the caravan to judge where Lauren could have moved to. He had run straight after Belladona leaving Lauren alone and exposed. Gritting his teeth, he shut his eyes, trying to free himself from the pounding guilt in his ears.

_‘I will not cause you more harm than I already did.’_

Yet, he had failed. Without their deal, without him involving himself with her, without his betrayal, they wouldn’t be _here_ , and ironically, Lauren would still be _somewhere_ , possibly right around the corner, somewhere safe. The thought of never having come so far in his search tasted bitter, but not having to bear the burden of such harrowing knowledge was strangely comforting. He jeered at his own train of thoughts. People would die unless _they_ did something, and here he sat, wondering what it would be like had _he_ never known, had _they_ never known the Scythe’s plans. He leaned back on the caravan. When did he become so _inhuman_? He laughed imagining Lauren’s reaction to his words. She would undoubtedly fight him over this as well. He could almost hear her voice call him out.

_‘We can’t fail the people of Ardhalis!’_

The sudden click of a gun jerked him out of his transient peace, and before he could react, a placid, taciturn voice spoke, ‘Give me one good reason to not shoot you right here, right now.’

Kieran froze at the words. Kym Ladell stood in front of him, gun in hand, pointing it at his heart. Raising his hands, he got up. Eyeing her still form, he gulped. Jaw tense, he spoke, calculating his words, ‘I am trying to find Lauren, the same as you.’

That was his first mistake. Calm with a gun pointed at him? Ladell huffed, ‘You were so persistent in believing she was in trouble. What do you know, Kieran?’

Caught in a trap, Kieran had two options: lie through his teeth, or let Ladell, someone who _definitely_ has Lauren’s best interest at heart help him. He was ready to lie. He was _always_ ready to lie, but one word, one name, kept him in a bind, sewing hesitation into every fibre of his being. 

_Lauren._

_Lauren._

_Lauren._

Just one name pulsing in his mind, as blood pulsed in his body in rapid shifts. He relented to the guilt, to the tattered remains of whatever lay within. The truth it was. Drawing his brows together, he shrugged, ‘I’m not sure what happened, but Lauren should’ve been home.’

Hand unwavering, Ladell probed, ‘So, something _has_ happened to Lauren?’

Kieran stared at her, hoping that he would get out of this mess. He reasoned, ‘Kym, you and I, we both know that she wouldn’t vanish into thin air. Or without even informing her uncle for that matter.’

Form as still as ever, Kym lowered her gun, refusing to take it away from Kieran completely. With a nod of her head, she waved him to continue, ‘I’m listening, and I better hear the truth.’

Even if she hadn’t said it, he would’ve given her as much of the truth as he possibly could have. Lauren was not only missing but in grave danger, whether the rest of the precinct believed it or not, and if he could make Ladell understand, they just might be able to find her. Desperately wanting Ladell to be on his side, at least until Lauren was found to be safe, he tried to be as honest as he could, ‘She was there when Sake was murdered. We _both_ were, and so I told her to go, because if she was around, she would be the prime suspect, given their history.’

Kym nodded, a signal for Kieran to continue. Deliberating on whether he should involve Ladell in this mess or not, he finally relented. He needed to find Lauren. _They_ needed to find Lauren, and for that he needed Ladell to believe what he was saying. A deep exhale, and he spoke up again, ‘She would also be the prime suspect for the death of the _spy_ in your precinct.’

Blinking back at the traction in his voice, Kym’s hands shook. Losing her breath, she exclaimed, ‘Harvey was a traitor?’

Kieran nodded. So many nails had already been twisted, what was another nail in the coffin? Kieran clarified, ‘We found out the night before his funeral.’

Kym stared at him, scrutinizing. Taking a deep breath, her mind ran over the events after Harvey’s death. How upset Lauren had been. How she had been shaking as they stood through the service. How she had cried, stood at a distance from all the other officers, pulling herself away from all her friends, from everyone at the precinct, seemingly wanting to be alone. How she hadn’t even attended the reception afterwards. It had struck Kym as odd at the time, and now she knew why. A _spy_. They were mourning a _traitor_. Kym lowered her gun to the ground.

Taking that as the sign of a truce, Kieran lowered his hands. He would undoubtedly have to explain himself, but for now, they had to focus on finding Lauren, and Lauren will _surely_ shoot him in the head for this, this time around. He continued, ‘If I had known, I wouldn’t have let her go alone.’

Clicking the safety back on, Ladell mused, spitting out the words faithlessly, ‘Who’s to say the one who murdered Sake didn’t get Lauren?’

Kieran winced at that. He never did like guns. Hesitation thrown out the window, he told her, ‘I can neither confirm nor deny to have had a chat with Sake’s murderer, in case they wanted to act on Sake’s death-bed plans to get rid of Lauren.’ Kieran exhaled, gaze shifting to the spot Sake had collapsed in. He turned to her, ‘That’s what I did after I told Lauren to go. Bluffed a little to get rid of the target on her back.’

Ladell stared at him. With bated breath, he waited for Ladell to say something. Turning her gaze around the place, she put her gun back in its place.

‘I believe you.’

Stilling on instinct, Kieran stared at her in awe. Disbelieving, he couldn’t help but ask, ‘You do?’

Cocking her brow at him, she stared at him in indignation, as if to say, _would you rather I didn’t?_ She shook her head, then clarified for the taken aback surprise on his face, ‘Yes, I do and oh!’ She pointed at him, irately, though her face contorted in a duller shade of mocking red, ‘Let’s _not_ let Will in’, she faltered, waving her hands around. Decidedly, she carried on, glaring at him, ‘Well, into _this_ part of the conversation. He wouldn’t exactly keep it a secret if one of his closest friends turned out to be Lune and _someone_ turned out to be the most gruesome assassin that Ardhalis has ever seen.’

Kieran stared at her, unable to do anything else. Does he deny the allegation? Talk himself out of her suspicions? Act enraged at her insinuation? Looking at the woman in front of her, he did none of those things. Breath catching in his throat, feeling the need to claw his words out of him, he asked, ‘How long?’

Kym had solely maintained a nonchalant fury in their conversation today, and before that she had acted unassuming. She had _talked_ to him, _joked_ with him and now, she _believed_ him, despite knowing who _he_ was, despite knowing what he had _done_. Somehow, she had also correctly deduced that they were Lune, and yet, she had acted along with their pretence, even going so far as to overenthusiastically act in front of the Lieutenant. Kym smirked, ‘Long enough. Lauren trusts you, and I trust Lauren.’

‘I broke her trust, and I surely don’t deserve yours.’

Kieran said out loud, to Kym, what he should have told Lauren back at the Camelia, back when he showed up at the precinct, even back at the cave. He _should’ve_ done things differently and he hadn’t. All he could do now was make sure Kym _knew_ what she was getting into. All he could do now was to let Kym know that the one they were looking for was still the Lauren she had always known. That was the most important part, after all. He couldn’t let her help him, just because she thought that Lauren _chose_ to work with him, even after everything. He couldn’t let her believe that.

Kym shrugged, ‘No shit. She looked ready to murder you after you showed up at the precinct.’ Before Kieran could give any more shocked expressions at Kym’s intuitive and deductive prowess, she stopped him mid-thought. Countering his unmade argument, she spoke, ‘Let’s just say it doesn’t take a genius to put the pieces together.’

That wasn’t all that Kym had pieced together, and yet, she couldn’t quite give voice to her thoughts. _Kieran cared about Lauren._ _Despite_ who he was. _In spite_ of who he was. He cared enough about her outside their agreement, to lie about her whereabouts and make sure she wouldn’t be a suspect. His eyes had strayed, tension flowing in every single one of his moves, since the moment she had told him that Lauren didn’t get back home. He wasn’t lying now, and it sure didn’t take a genius, nor any special ability to figure that out.

Maybe he had made a deal with the wrong officer. Kieran chuckled, ‘Nobody else has noticed a thing.’

Kym grinned, ‘That’s true. Maybe it _does_ take a genius to put the pieces together.’ She offered him a hand then. A truce, an understanding, a promise all bellowing into three simple words.

‘Let’s find Lauren.’

_That was that._

_That_ was six days ago, and yet there was no sign of Lauren. From what he and Kym had gathered, roaming the dark alleys around the circus, was that there _might_ have been a suspicious man, dragging away a lady. A dubious lead at best, and so the profile of this man was unblemished, as free of inscriptions as the first page in the typewriter, while the writer tears her hair out, vision clouded with disheartenment and demolishing every slate.

Convincing Hermann that finding Lauren should be their top priority was tough, however, convincing Will to let Kieran join them on the search wasn’t. Kym had woven the tale of an anxious lover, tumbling down the tower with guilt wracking his nerves, and Will conceded, promising not to let Hermann find out about the writing off of precinct regulations. He would’ve conceded either way. He, too, was worried out of his mind for Lauren.

No witnesses. No trails. No gossip at the Scythe establishments. The only evidence that remained, giving them some semblance of hope, was the presence of a faceless man. A spectre. A ghost of Christmas past, for all they knew. If he didn’t know better, he would’ve believed that Lauren Sinclair had vanished into thin air. Maybe even that she had been taken away by an otherworldly entity and stopped to exist in this plane of existence. But Kieran knew better.

Kieran sat down at his desk, head in his hands, lamenting the end of another uneventful day. Lauren had been missing, the Apostle’s plans were in fruition, he was supposed to be getting rid of Lune, _and_ he had no clue what to do. At all. Though, having the burden, the reason behind their deal, shared with Kym had eased him a little, he knew Lauren would be enraged at this. He had half a mind to spread the news that the precinct was in danger. Maybe then Lauren could come running from wherever the hell she was.

And what if hell was _exactly_ where she was?

Feeling a headache coming on, he shook the thought away. Even though Lauren had been missing for nearly a week, that didn’t mean that she was- that she wasn’t _alive_. People did _not_ vanish into thin air. He found little comfort in the fact that there wasn’t a trail for him to follow. No trail meant no murders. The absence of a trail also meant that he had no way, at all, of finding her. If they had found even the slightest proof, he could’ve acted on his own. He would’ve acted on his own. For her, _he would have._

Taking a deep breathe, he looked at the blank paper on his desk. His hands itched to draw, and as soon as he held the pencil, all his thoughts steadied, settling on Lauren. He began to draw. The graphite smudged upon the sheet as his mind kept on turning back to all that had come to pass throughout the week.

Kym finding him and working with him to find Lauren. Kym reassuring him when they couldn’t find a single trace of her. Tristan Sinclair becoming a common sight in the precinct, losing his usual calm and allure. Eyes narrowing, and actions disbelieving, quite alike to how his niece always was. Fiery gaze, as if it could see right through you, into your soul and decide your fate. He would have surely grilled Kieran every single day, if not for Kym.

He took deep breaths in line with the strokes he made.

Will keeping him up to date on the official missing person’s report. Will holding him back from bursting into the interrogation room when they finally had a witness who claimed to have seen Lauren. Kym finding him in the archive room when the witness failed to be of any help. Kym reminding him that wherever Lauren was she needed their help and sanity. Kym reassuring him, unprompted, that it wasn’t his fault. He had grown to be quite transparent in such a short while, that he himself scoffed disbelievingly. He had changed from the person he used to be, in slight moves, imperceptibly, ever since the night that they had bled into each other’s hands, blood mixing to forge a bond more desecrating than any other, and equally Daedalian. 

That was the truth, except that Kieran couldn’t bring himself to believe it. The guilt wrecked him in waves. He could’ve done _something_. He _should’ve_ done something. There had to be more to add to Lauren’s disappearance, and the fact that she vanished right when he had been otherwise engaged didn’t sit right with him. He gripped the pencil in his hand, twirling it around, lost in thought.

Almost as if someone was _waiting_ for her to be alone. Almost as if someone had been _keeping watch_. All he saw was a chance to save her from being Belladona’s target. He hadn’t even thought to consider that such a reckless and persistent thing as her might be in the sights of another vicious monster. What was he to do now? What was he to do if she never showed up again?

The lead of the pencil snapped, catching his attention. He looked down at the sketch. The eyes he had been restless to see again, gazing right back at him. What he wouldn’t do to have her look at him again, even if the gold in them was set ablaze and would swallow him whole. The sketch was monochrome, but he didn’t need colour to remember how her eyes always seemed to shine, how she had smiled at him at the carnival. It had been a long time since they had been enough at ease to partake in banter. Lauren had walked away, fixing the hat on her head and smiling, joking about his career change. Even then, he had been worried for her.

Faint knocking at the door caught his attention. He looked down at the watch on his hand. It was well into the night. Assuming it would possibly be Kym at this hour, hoping to check _some_ warehouse in _some_ district in hopes of finding Lauren, he got up from the chair, unperturbed. Placing his sketch on the side of the desk, he shut the lamp. He walked away, shutting the door to the room after him. The knocking had turned into a bleaker sound, surprisingly less and less audible, the closer he trudged to the door. The moment he opened the door, however, he froze, heart pounding, wanting to beat out of his chest in terror, a petrified whisper let loose from his lips. 

‘Lauren.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me to me: Turn up the angst by a notch
> 
> Me to me: It’s already at 100?
> 
> Me to me: I SAID what I SAID and I KNOW what I said hahahaha
> 
> I really went all in with the unnerving regret and the tantalizing guilt here, didn’t I?
> 
>  _I love them_ , I say _. Kieran is my fav character_ , I say, as I torture the shit outta him.
> 
> Honestly, I wasn’t planning on posting this earlier because I couldn’t bring myself to finish my train of thought because the storyline of this short drabble literally gave me so much secondhanded anxiety that I don’t even know why I wrote it in the first place lol
> 
> More than anything, I guess I wanted to portray the most haunting question that we would think of, what if someone we love never came back home?
> 
> It is f—scary is what is it, and if any of you died with all the secondhanded unnerving regret and etc I AM SORRY  
> Might not keep this up for long after completion
> 
> Song: [Come Back for Me](https://open.spotify.com/track/0cOrNgkbsWJYmxzf7T9nUd?si=h4P2r14pR2i6xnS37DIETg) by [James Young](https://open.spotify.com/artist/6QrQ7OrISRYIfS5mtacaw2?si=b-3fFE9oQEWVpXufI7sCvw)
> 
> Hope I got ‘scared for Lauren’ Kiki across well enough, and to the FPs yes, go ahead, kindly ignore my clownery cause I don’t think that we’ll actually get a one week later in this week’s ep…. but in case we do? 👀 👀 👀
> 
> Love, Peace.


	2. Lightning strikes inside my eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW: Anxiety etc.**
> 
> This is where it all falls apart, so get ready with your tissues. Oh, and for maximum angst feels, try reading the beginning half out loud. Trust me it hurts. :)

Kieran.

She made to speak, but she knew the whisper never made it out of her. Hunched next to the door, she looked up to see Kieran. Finally, she was here, and so was he. It had seemed a lifetime of running for her when she had finally reached his door. A week that had taken up all her beliefs and smashed them to the ground, and here she stood, blood on her hands, with the only thought in her mind to find _him_ first. There was only one place, one person that she could trust to have her back at the moment. _Kieran_. And wasn’t that the strangest thing?

‘Lauren.’

The word, a breathless whisper. He stopped, hand on the door, and door half open. Quickly getting over his shock, he blinked and she was still there. She was right there. She was _alive_. She was _there_. Words trembling inside him, as his hands fidgeted behind him, he looked at her, instantly blanching back at the blood on her hands. Just one word entered his mind.

‘Fuck.’

He opened the door fully, pulling her in, questions plaguing his mind. Finally, when she stumbled through, he closed the door behind him. Glassy eyes and blood-stained hands, all hers, and the faults that had led them to be so, his and his alone. The pulsing in his head, as strong as that of his heart, that _disbelieving_ wreck, he asked, ‘Are you alright? The blood-‘

Words on his tongue, dead and gone, at the sight of her. A heaviness upon his breath, unable or rather unwilling to let out another word to shatter the silence, he stood still, watching her. All they did was shatter, break into pieces from something that was once meant to be gleaming, and the only potential they had was to cut and to bruise. All he could see was the blood on _her_ hands, and the jagged gashes he saw were marred with _his_ guilt. He stood stock still, but his traitorous hands were shaking from the effort of reaching out to her, as he settled to fall back on the door instead, taking in the sight of her still breathing, still alive.

Neither of them said a single word, but they didn’t have to. Lauren couldn’t help but trace the path of Kieran’s gaze, from the muddied hem of her skirt and her boots to her shirt and hands. Blotches of red, a prickly contrast against the ivory that laced around her. Eyes roving over her own shaky hands, she whispered, ‘It’s not mine. Not mostly, I think.’

Coherent enough to know where she wasn’t hurt passed the first check in Kieran’s list. Eyes flitting over her in concern, he moved to her, voice in soft whispers, ‘What the hell happened? You were gone for a week.’

Bracing herself, she began to speak, ‘I- I was-‘, and just as she did, she couldn’t any more. As simple as that. Words escaping her, as the reality of all the emotions inside her collided into a kaleidoscope of pure panic, one after the other, all her worst fears coming up only to drag her back down. Rendered speechless, her words, her thoughts, her fears, her beliefs, all crashed inside her as she kept on falling inside her own mind. 

Kieran shook his head as he moved his hand to still her shuddering form. Shock. He shouldn’t have expected any different. Only the gods might truly know what she had been through, to have ended up at his door all bloodied and bruised. Softly nudging her by the shoulders, Kieran began to lead her to the couch, and she moved with him, wordlessly. He spoke as he led her, ‘Your uncle, Kym, Will, everybody was worried. I’ll call Kym.’

_No._

The _last_ thing that she had the strength to do was face Kym, of all people. Turning mid step, she clutched his hand, holding him back. The hold on his hand only brought back flashes of the fire in which his world had begun to glow anew, with hope, burning without preamble, white hot for the man that had twisted his fate as such. Discordant and strong movements, brush strokes on a canvas, and the shaking of her hands, as if raindrops were spilling onto the surface. The gold of her eyes dulled down to a mere mockery of her true spark. Frantic, she stuttered, ‘No! No. Wait. Don’t call _her_. I- What I did- ’

Lauren nearly fell in her haste, but Kieran caught her before she could stumble any further. Looking at her now, her hand twisting in his shirt to hold him back, to make him listen, all Kieran saw was dread. Lauren droned on stuttering about something that he couldn’t even hear over the thoughts plaguing his mind. She didn’t want for Kym to see her like this, the vibrance taken from her eyes and painted across her shirt in sinful smears. 

Lauren was shaking. Lauren was shaking and he could walk away from her, as he _should_. This isn’t where he was supposed to stand. This wasn’t where he was supposed to fall. This isn’t what he had thought of, and yet, wherever she had been and whatever she had done, it was all on _him_ , after all. He should’ve walked away, but he didn’t. Staring right at her, the hold of his arm around her a crescendo of grounding, he asserted, ‘Knowing _you_ , you could’ve only fought for your life. You did _nothing_ wrong.’

Even if she would have heard them as lies, it wouldn’t matter. He couldn’t wait to tread over the mesh of white lies to stand beside her. Lauren’s grip tightened, and then she promptly let go of his hand, hands falling to his shoulders as everything around her fell apart, from her past to her present. His hands around her meant to be comforting, but all they did was drive home the fact that this was _real_ , and everything she had found out over the week had been _true as well_. She shook her head, holding back tears, and taking deep breaths. It was just too much. Too. Much.

Even a minute ago, she could’ve believed that it was all some twisted dream that she would finally wake up from. But now? Now, the pain in her heart and her body felt _real_. Kieran’s touch was _real_. His voice wasn’t a memory, and neither was the burning cold she felt in her cheeks against the warmth of the apartment. Everything had been turned for her. She knew so much _more_. He knew _none_ of it. He didn’t know what she _knew_. He didn’t know what she had _done_. He saw the blood on her hands, and yet his words hadn’t been falsities. Eyes shut, she gritted, ‘It’s not- You- You don’t _know_ that.’

When your world falls apart, when you cannot even begin to get yourself through the memory of who you are, all that can help you get through is conviction. Words clear, but a whisper, Kieran stated, emphasizing both words, ‘I do.’ He had been on the receiving end of this pain too many times to know exactly how to get by, even if he didn’t know how to get over it just yet. Bringing up his free hand to brush away the tears on her face, voice gentle, he spoke, ‘It’s okay. You’re okay now.’

That was when Lauren noticed how her tears had begun to fall. No rhyme or reason to the pitter-patter of drops, once they began to flow, the tears wouldn’t stop. Hands clenching out of their own accord, Lauren leaned into Kieran’s palm, into the slice of reality he provided, into the white lies that he believingly told, into the comfort borne of her own hypocrisy. Still clutching on to his shirt, she leaned on him, as the tears she couldn’t guide, led her to her fall.

Eyes shut to the world around her, she had put her trust in Kieran, and her trust only stemmed from the knowledge of the actions, of _his_ actions that she had so easily condoned as simply monstrous. Undoubtedly, one of the most stressful weeks of her life, and the only calm she felt was because an assassin was on her side, and wasn’t that the most hypocritical thing to do? Finding comfort in the hands that had taken countless lives, because if she failed to stand and fight, she could count on _him_ to do that for her. He _had_ already taken a life for her, and saved hers more than once.

Kieran froze at the contact, hesitating. Lauren clearly needed the comfort of an embrace, but he should be the _last_ person to give her that. He didn’t deserve to do that. Not after everything he had done. His breath got caught in the curves of her clenched wrist on his shirt, in memory of the last time that they had been this close. The cave. He had promised her no harm at the Camelia, and it was ultimately on _him_ that she had gone missing. It was on his stance to handle things that she stood here, bloodied, broken and shaking.

Nevertheless, he couldn’t help it. Not when Lauren stood as she did. Hesitantly, he held her, and all that hesitation bled out of him the moment Lauren’s hold tightened when he did as such. Wrapping both his arms around her shaking form, Kieran pulled her flush against him. He rubbed light circles into her back, as she clung to him with all her strength. Holding her close to him, he asked, ‘Did you get followed?’ She shook her head, tucked under his chin, bloodied hands buried into his shirt.

Looking at her, he couldn’t help but feel responsible for everything. Would she still have ended up here without _his_ deal? Without _his_ actions? He had taken a shovel to a graveyard of sins. What was he hoping to find underneath? What was he hoping to uncover and let grow in the fields that had been infested for far too long, rotting at the hearth of their assured destruction?

Guilt wrecking him completely, he held her tight as the tears eventually ceased. He stepped back the moment he speculated that she didn’t need the reassurance anymore. Feeling his arms go slack, Lauren stepped back as well. Unsure of where to start from, she began to speak, only to be hushed by Kieran. Leading her to sit on the couch, he spoke, ‘Relax first, and talk later.’

Nodding, she whispered, ‘Alright.’

With a comforting pat on her shoulder, Kieran moved away, even as Lauren reached out to him on instinct. Before she could voice out her thoughts, he was already gone, and she surely didn’t have the strength in herself to stand once more, even when she found herself unable to relax, shaking with anxiety wrecking her nerves. Unable to sit still, Lauren turned around in the direction of his room, but he was gone from her line of vision.

Kieran came out of his room with a quilt in hand, walking to her while avoiding her gaze. Wrapping it around her, his hands lingered, as he continued to avoid her gaze. Lauren thought that she finally had a chance to talk to him, but he moved behind her before she could get a word in. Again. Calling after him, and receiving a shout back in response, she settled on the couch, pulling the quilt closer around her. Now that she could focus on her senses, she did feel rather cold.

Kieran came out of the bathroom a minute later, with a first aid box tucked underneath his arm, a mug of water in one hand and a rag in the other. Now clutching the quilt, Lauren looked down at her hands. The blood had dried now, and she could still feel the weight of it draining her, though it hardly left a smudge anywhere other than on her conscience. Coming to crouch next to her, Kieran gently reached for her hands and began to wipe the blood off of them.

Her eyes rested on him, and she shrunk back at the sight. Kieran’s shirt had not been as lucky as his quilt, rather nearly as ruined as her own. She winced a little as he wiped her palms, the slight cuts stinging. His hold on her hands was light, but it was still comforting, the repetitive motions grounding in exactly the way that she had needed them to be. There were so many things that she wanted to say to him, so much that she would eventually _have_ to let him know, but every time she made an effort to do that, she seemed to have lost all her words and opinions. It wasn’t the case an hour ago, though, while she was still fighting for her life.

He paused, feather light touch over the slight cuts on her palm, and the marks on her wrist. Rope burns, if he had to guess, and his guesses were never wrong. After disinfecting the wounds on her hands, he began to bandage her wrists. Lauren winced at the pain, shutting her eyes, and he grimaced upon watching her. Each mark bearing testimony to _his_ mistakes, and the greatest scar on her palm, a mirror of his greatest folly. A madness which he had been too selfish to _not_ involve her in. _The deal_. He got up, discarding all the used cotton and placing the kit back. Then, he came back to the couch, choosing to crouch next to her.

Kieran leaned back, elbow resting on the coffee table, staring at Lauren as she couldn’t keep her gaze off of the white on her wrists. All clean now, but she could only see the red. Clenching her fist, she could feel the pain of her cuts put the stamp of reality over her memories. Being in the line of work that Lauren was in, altercations weren’t exactly surprising and neither was blood or any injuries. Yet, the blood on her hands had truly scared her beyond measure. This hadn’t been as it had been with Sake. This time, she made a choice and the choice was wrong. Had _he_ died, it would’ve only been _her_ fault. She couldn’t even _begin_ to imagine facing another person when all that she could think of were the ones she had let down, the ones that had paid the price for her life to endure.

Staring at her, Kieran huffed at the way her eyes wouldn’t leave her hands. That was one feeling he knew all too well, and oh, how he hated it. He hated that someone he was supposed to protect had started to diverge on the same path as him. He hated the way Lauren looked at her own hands. All he could think of was to grab her hands and whisper false assurances over them until the shrill sounds of lies died down into whispers of truth. Her hands were hardly even _modicums_ of devastation.

What he recalled when he looked at her was righteousness and subservience in the way those hands had held a gun to his head. The hints of a defiant stance as she had twisted the hand of a despicable date, slamming him back into reality. Honest caution in the way her fingers had walked the line over his injuries, the way her hands had wrapped around his wounds. He wanted to tell her how he had seen only the utmost sincerity when those hands had reached for Kym, or William or any of her friends. Eyes fixed upon her harrowing silhouette, he wanted to tell her all of these things, but he couldn’t find it in himself to do so.

Softly, he asked, making sure that she wouldn’t panic like before, ‘And now we call Kym?’

Broken free from a spell upon hearing his words, Lauren looked up. The more that time passed, the less likely her friends were to prod for holes in her story, and she believed that enough time had passed for her to knit close the loopholes of her timeline without the edges fraying. She nodded, ‘Now, we call Kym.’

Getting up, he moved to the phone next to the window, and dialled Kym’s number, now known to him by heart, after a week of frantic calls throughout day and night. Quilt dropping to the side, Lauren walked over to him, as the phone rang. Two rings and Kym picked up.

‘I really hope it’s good news.’

Kym’s voice carried over the line. Breathing in relief, Kieran began to speak, ‘Kym, Lauren’s here, and she’s,’ he paused when Lauren nudged him in the arm to hand the receiver over to her.

Holding the receiver close, Lauren spoke, ‘And **I’m fine**.’

Kym screamed into the phone, ‘Lauren? Oh my god! Wait, you’re at Kieran’s? Are you alright?’ Struggling to grab her watch from the table as she kept the phone from falling, she spoke, ‘Wait, you just said you were. I’ll be there. Shit.’ Swearing as she dropped her coat in her haste, she went on, ‘I’ll have to call Will! And your uncle!’ Then, pausing, she took a deep breath, a fleck of ease flowing through her essence. Hearing Lauren’s voice had taken off most of the weight that had been subduing her for a week. Senses droned in on every hush and whisper of breath through the wire, Kym sincerely asked, ‘Lauren, are you _really_ okay?’

Kieran could hear Kym screaming from where he stood beside Lauren. Nodding at whatever Kym was saying on the other end, Lauren replied, ‘Kym, I’ll be alright. _Please_ don’t show up with the entire squad over here.’

Once the call ended, Lauren handed the receiver to Kieran, who placed it back without a thought, instinct taking over his actions as his eyes failed to move from her shaking hands. Lauren stood still. Taking a deep breath, she rubbed a hand over her eyes, and he couldn’t help but stare in relief. She was injured, but she would be alright. The thought that comforted him took him by surprise, because he hadn’t even paused to consider the reason why or even the extent to which her disappearance had affected him and his actions. All his relief turned to distress, the moment Lauren reached for his arm, holding onto his sleeve. Leading her to the couch, once again, a behest for her to sit down, he left once more.

Reluctantly, Lauren let go of his arm and sat back down on the couch, the unnerving silence getting to her. No. Not the silence. She shook her head to get away from the memory. This, here, wasn’t silence. Definitely not the void that she had been subjected to for the past few days. Kieran’s apartment was quiet and yet it was anything but. The slight humming of the bulb, the fading sounds of dogs barking in the distance, the whistling heavy gusts of the cold winter wind flowing outside. They all wrapped around her, grounding her into the present.

Kieran, now changed into a clean shirt, walked over to her. He wrapped the quilt around her that she had discarded. At ease in the warmth but irate at his movements, she snapped, ‘Could you stay still for a minute?’

Freezing up, Kieran stared at her, at the dichotomy only someone like Lauren Sinclair could be, hands shaking as she held the quilt around her while her unwavering voice presented a complete contrast to her movements. Hands lingering, holding her close, he spoke, ‘Your hands are cold.’ Pulling back his hands, he got up, ‘I’ll make you some tea.’

Lauren leaned back on the couch, shutting her eyes, as Kieran walked away. The clanking of metal calmed her down. The sounds of the stove and Kieran moving around reached her ears, all the way to where she sat on the couch. Kicking her feet up on the couch, she turned to look at Kieran as he moved around the counter. Fiddling with the contents of the cupboard, he spoke aloud, voice carrying over the mild static in the air, ‘What happened Lauren? Kym, at least, will want an answer right away.’

Kym would, and so would Will and her uncle, and practically everyone else. Except that she had _no answers_ that she could give any of them. Not yet, anyway. How could she give them the answers they must have been seeking when she didn’t know if she could even trust them anymore? It pained her to keep that line of thought in her mind, but it was the truth. She couldn’t even trust her own uncle after everything she had found out. Kieran looked up when Lauren didn’t answer, instantly avoiding her general vicinity once he caught a glimpse of the heart wrenching pain that bled through her grimace. Eyes still shut, she spoke, ‘And I can’t give any. Not to them. Not yet.’

Pouring the tea, he walked over to her. Handing her the cup, he sat down right next to her. Another silence engulfed them, but this was a welcome absence. Cradling the cup in her hands, she drifted to his side. All his muscles locking in place, he turned his head to see whether Lauren had fallen asleep. She hadn’t. Taking a deep breath, he wrapped an arm around her shoulders, over the quilt, holding her close. This close, he could feel her pulse and her shallow breaths, and breathe easy in the comfort of his knowledge. Lauren leaned into the warmth, sipping on her tea, and unwinding with the quiet thrumming of Kieran’s heart.

Taking the empty cup from her hands he placed it on the table, a low clank resounding across the room. She turned to lean on the couch, as Kieran turned to face her. Stopping his hand from drifting to her cheek, hesitantly, he pulled the quilt closer around her. Almost unconsciously, she leaned into him, as his fingers fidgeted with the loose strands at the edge of the quilt. Hesitantly, he began, ‘We were worried.’ Lauren sighed, and Kieran continued to speak, ‘We checked the entirety of the 11th and Greychapel as well. Where were you?’

Lauren took a deep breath. This was somewhere she could start with, somewhere she _should_ start with. She spoke, ‘I was near Allendale.’

Allendale? And she had ended up all the way here at Greychapel? Before Kieran could ask any more, a loud knocking nearly rattled his entire apartment. Kym, for sure. Kieran stood up to open the door, not before noticing the frantic look in Lauren’s eyes at the sound. She grabbed his sleeve as he moved behind the couch, ‘You know nothing.’ Whether it was a warning or a conjecture on her part, that he didn’t know. Placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, he moved ahead to open the door.

As soon as he opened the door, Kym nearly knocked him over in her haste, running straight to wrap her arms around Lauren, squeezing the life out of her the moment she caught her. Will and Tristan at least regarded Kieran’s presence at the door. With a wary eye, Kieran checked out the street after letting the men inside. Shutting the door, Kieran breathed out a sigh of relief. Just the three of them. Whatever it was that Lauren had done, they both had a better chance of getting away with it now.

Scattered across Kieran’s apartment, Tristan and Kym sat fretting over Lauren, who was pressed between them. Thankfully, they didn’t prod her much, coming to the conclusion that they’ll get an official statement the next day. Kieran, himself, didn’t know much of Lauren’s side either, and for that he was thankful. He couldn’t possibly lie to Kym after the week that they had shared. Nevertheless, he relaxed at seeing the people in front of him, at how Lauren was cared for. Kym smiled at him, mouthing thanks, as Will’s eyes rested on Tristan between his questions and his fretting. Kieran shrugged at her. He didn’t deserve her gratitude, especially not when he hadn’t done a single thing for Lauren to be back here with them. Arching her brow at him, taking note of his denial, Kym tuned back into the one-sided conversation.

Brows furrowing, as he held Lauren, Tristan asked, ‘Are you sure, you’re alright?’

Lauren made to hold his arm to reassure him, but finding it trapped in Kym’s hold, she grimaced. Having all of them worry over her as such was hard-hitting. Even if it had hardly been ten minutes of solitude, despite Kieran biding with her in the quiet, she was glad to have had it to regain her composure. Trying to convey as much of her surety as possible, she nodded, ‘ **Yes** , uncle.’

Will sat on the kitchen table, as Kieran stood next to him. Kym rubbed Lauren’s wrist, sending subtle glances in Kieran’s direction, and Lauren did not know what to make of it. Staring through the fog of agitation that ebbed and flowed in the room, she didn’t know what to make of any of them. Kym bit her lip, ‘I still think we should take you to a doctor first.’

Before Lauren could refute, Will spoke up, ‘Even if you _are_ alright, Lauren, you were there for an entire week.’

Tristan nodded at Will, turning to Lauren, ‘Honestly, I’m inclined to agree.’

Then, the three of them stared at the only person who hadn’t said a word yet. Kieran shrugged, ‘Don’t look at _me_. She doesn’t _listen_ to me.’

Lauren rolled her eyes. Waving at her bandaged wrists, she spoke, ‘No doctors needed, alright? I’ll be fine.’

Tristan got up, holding out his hand to her, ‘Alright, then. Let’s go home.’

Lauren hesitated, looking back at Kieran. She needed _him_ to work through this. They needed to work through this, and he knew _nothing_. _Nothing at all_. Covering up her tracks with yet another lie, she clutched the edge of the couch as she spoke, ‘ **I’m not sure if I was followed or not.** What if,’ she paused. Gulping down her hesitation, a façade of her innate certainty in place, she finished her thought, ‘What if he comes after Kieran?’

Kieran stood up straight from where he had been leaning on the kitchen table. Walking to her, he spoke, ‘You don’t have to worry about that.’ He stared at her, trying to understand where she was going with this. She had _said_ that she hadn’t been followed. More than that, she _knew_ that she didn’t have to worry about him at all. Unlike the three unaware people in the room, she knew _exactly_ who he really was. She knew that all too well.

Rubbing Lauren’s shoulder, Kym stared at Kieran in confusion. Was there a reason Lauren was bringing this up? Perhaps she wanted him out of here? With a subtle roll of his eyes, he let Kym know that he had no idea about what was on Lauren’s mind either. Staring at him, Lauren bit back, ‘I’ll worry about whatever I want.’

Kym stared between the two. She had chosen to put her trust in Lauren, time and time again, and believed in her over everyone else for a _reason_. Deciding, she agreed with Lauren, prodding her chin in Kieran’s direction, ‘That might actually happen, Kieran.’

All of them were skirting around the topic of her abduction, since Lauren herself refused to address it just yet. But some questions were too important to leave for later. Thus, it was Will who spoke up, giving voice to one of the many questions that, undoubtedly, remained in everyone’s mind, ‘Do you remember where you were being held?’

Another shovelful of dirt upon her casket, Lauren spoke, ‘ **I’m not sure** , but **it couldn’t be any more than five blocks**.’

Another lie? She wouldn’t have lied to _him_ about it, Kieran could trust that much, and so she had to be telling lies now, but it made no sense. The three oblivious people in the room were, without question, the only ones that had been there for Lauren through thick and thin. Why would she lie to _them_? Swiping his hand over Lauren’s cheek, he glared at Kym, hoping that his face could convey the words that he was in no position to say out loud.

 _Lies_. _All of them_.

Lauren placed her hand over Kieran’s. Tristan’s eyes wandered between the two. He sighed, dejected, ‘So, you were in _this_ neighbourhood.’

Lauren nodded. Kym shut her eyes, noting Kieran’s expression. Why would Lauren lie to _them_? To _her_? Crossing her arms, Kym feigned annoyance, ‘And we spent all that time looking for you in the 11th.’ She caught Kieran’s eyes then, raising her brows, eyes flitting to Lauren, in demand of a silent promise.

_Tell me everything when you can. Both of you._

An uneasy silence overtook them all, an inadvertent musing of what-ifs simmering in it. The tension seemed to grow into a peculiar thing, snapping only at the sound of Will’s chair as he stood up. Concern mirrored in his own gaze, he looked at Kym, ‘If we go now, maybe we could find the person who did this.’

Hold tightening on Kieran’s hand, Lauren spoke, ‘Will, I know you only mean well but I doubt you’ll find anything.’

Of course, they wouldn’t find anything _here_. She wasn’t being held _around here_. Staring at the resolve on Lauren’s face, the words came to Kieran, out of his own accord. He was unsure of who exactly they were meant to address, as they let loose from his lips, ‘Someone like that couldn’t afford to be careless.’

Will nodded at all of them, as Kym held his gaze. Tristan took a deep breathe to free himself of the mayhem that had plagued his mind. Adjusting his coat over his shoulders, he settled, ‘Alright, let’s go home. All of us. Mr. White, you must come with us as well.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday to me, and happy update for you!!! I swear, if I spent any more time trying to edit this, this chapter would never see the light of day lol
> 
> Me 🤝 People reading this
> 
> Wondering what even happened to Lauren to make her act like _That_ ™
> 
> **You:** Okay, so what happened to Lauren?
> 
>  **Me:** *waxing poetic about Lauren’s hands* Oh, yeah, I don’t _actually_ know _that_
> 
> **Lauren:** I think I need a hug
> 
>  **Kieran:** I think you NEED A SHOCK BLANKET
> 
>  **Lauren:** Sit next to me!!
> 
>  **Kieran:** I’LL MaKe YoU TeA
> 
> Not me making memes over my own writing HAHAHAHA
> 
> Yeah, the next update won’t be soon and you know the reason why now *points to the second one*
> 
> The thing I feel the most about Kieran is his guilt, and how it dictates all his actions, from his vengeance against the leader to how he acts towards Lauren, and knowing all that, Kieran would hold back and be reluctant and if there was any Lauki, it would have to be on Lauren’s terms and with _her_ reaching out to _him_.
> 
> Also, was Kym nearly all dressed and waiting by her phone for a hopeful call? Had she been doing that the entire week? *shrugs* ~~(You know she was. She loves Lauren.)~~
> 
> Chaotic Siblings KyKi sharing conversations in glances because YES THEY ARE AMAZING OKAY?
> 
> [Come scream at me for the twists](https://www.instagram.com/hugsforkiki/) lol
> 
> Love, [Peace.](https://hugsforkiki.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos fuel the fire of my writing forges ;)


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